OK, I get the message...

SUNDAY. People are getting nervous. I haven't posted anything for days. Emails are flooding in. "Are you OK?" some ask. "I'm worried," others say.

I'm parked in front of the TV this evening watching the Academy Awards -- something I rarely do. Don't worry because I haven't blogged lately. Worry because I'm watching the Oscars. Three hours into this show, my brain, I fear, is turning to pudding. A recovering TV addict, my appetite for mindless entertainment wanes daily, inversely proportional to my quest for inner peace. I know that sounds trite. The truth is, these days television is taking a back seat to personal work and a relentless search for meaning. Some days I don't have to look far.

The dogs are wrestling in my unlit bedroom. I hear them thumping about in the dark, batting marrow bones with their paws like hollowed-out hockey pucks. I think the doggie goalposts are somewhere in my closet. No longer a lap dog, our young pup is growing. She believes, however, she's still a lap dog. The sight of this exuberant bundle of glee depositing herself, ungracefully, on an empty lap is not for the faint of heart. We are increasingly reluctant to invite anyone to our home, until she fully understands she's a big dog, or more to the point, a baby dog in a big body. To make matters worse, she jumps on people and lunges on lead. Bad habits are hard to break. Lately, Cesar Millan is a frequent supporting actor in my dreams, which are eerily reminiscent of Cecil B. DeMille productions. I really must stop eating all that chocolate before bedtime. A hundred and one dalmations bouncing in my brain do not make for restful sleep.

On the plus side, Telly doesn't chew my shoes, beg at the table, or misbehave as puppies often do. She's completely housebroken. She's affectionate and plays nicely with others.

Dogs are great teachers. Murphy, my Canine Zen Master, continuously demonstrates patience and peace. He is my rock. Telly, an aspiring Master, always welcomes the day with tremendous joy, though her humans don't always grasp this concept before morning tea. Murphy and Telly live in the moment. They don't worry about their next meal, unpaid bills, deadlines, illness, war or climate change. My best days are those in which I fully embrace their enthusiasm and resonate with their simple joy, ignoring the mud they track on the carpets, tissues they pluck from wastebaskets and shred, furniture cushions askew, and puddles in the kitchen (they really are sloppy drinkers). Rather than endless reprimands to teach them to conform to our obsessive ways, I cover the furniture with sheets to protect each piece from dirt and mud. Carpets are vacuumed often, and once a day I pick up the scraps of paper and chewed toys off the floor, reminders of happy playtimes. I'm grateful they are both not only non-destructive of things that don't belong to them, but clever enough to know the difference. I love watching dogs be dogs and find comfort in realizing Telly will one day mellow and leave puppyhood behind. Only then can we have friends in for dinner.

N.B. We should have named the puppy "Adobe." Her coat is frequently caked with hard desert mud.

***

I've spent the past few weekends retiring one computer and preparing a new machine to be used for work. Data transfer is laborious and time consuming. Reconfiguring and reinstalling a lot of printers and peripherals, not to mention all that software, is taking way too much time. So for those who are wondering what's become of me these past several weeks, please know I'm waist-high in bits and bytes.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day I finish this data transfer. Maybe then I can take Murphy for a swim and dust off my camera again. I'll have time to begin serious training with Telly. She needs to learn that counter-surfing is not an endearing trait. Why have computers become so complicated? Files are much bigger now, and data invades hard drives like an octopus moving in on prey. Transferring everything from one computer to another used to take about 4 hours. Now it's taking ten times as long. I need to finish this project so I can get back to blogging, living, and enjoying my free time.

This is why people call Geek Squad. Perhaps I should have as well.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Building A Fire

TUESDAY. Yet another snowstorm crawling across the Southwest is headed toward New Mexico this evening. It's nothing like the monster Nor'easter (already dubbed the "Valentine's Day Blizzard") about to descend on friends and family in New York and New England. We'll see less than a half-foot of snow, but in my humble opinion, that's six inches too much. Recent history tells me schools will close and once again Albuquerque will be paralyzed until the sun has its way with the snow and reduces the white stuff to mere puddles.

The firewood is impressively stacked near the back door, a uniform corral of piñon and cedar. It's shielded from anticipated overnight snow by several tarps, braced for strong winds with two-by-fours rescued from the scrap heap in the back yard. I've been building more fires lately. Adjacent to the fireplace room, my office feels toasty in the dry, radiant heat. But building fires isn't about heat. It's about ambience. We don't normally sit in the fireplace room. There's nothing there but a fireplace and a tall tower of empty moving boxes in a distant corner. Bright flames are visible, however, from the far end of the long corridor that runs east to west in our adobe house. I glance at the flames each time I cross the corridor on my way to the kitchen.

There's something about building a fire that evokes an ancient, primal memory bursting with ritual and rich symbology. First, the wood is stacked--methodically, thoughtfully, meditatively. A carefully arranged cord of wood is a thing of beauty, the oddly shaped pieces wedged tightly like puzzle pieces. Next comes the fire building--the deliberate placement of tinder and kindling, applying flame to tinder, watching the magic happen as the flames grow, and then, at just the right moment, placing the first big log on the fire. For me, there's usually a prayer involved in this last step. Though my fire-building skills are reasonably adequate, I've built a few duds that fizzle, pop and die, leaving semi-charred logs in the fireplace. Divine intervention is occasionally mandated, and when the logs ignite, there's cause for celebration.

The aroma of smoke puffing from chimneys is different in this part of the world. Reminiscent of cinnamon, high-elevation piñon pine fires cast an intoxicating spell. When you see, hear and smell combustion in a New Mexican fireplace, you realize the experience is indisputably unique to the Southwest, and the distinctive scent enhances the romance of a well-crafted fire.

Gazing into a fire can be deeply spiritual. In addition to providing warmth and a means for cooking, fire is a metaphor for purification in many religious traditions, as well as a symbol for overcoming challenges and removing fear. Studying a roaring fire, watching flames flicker and dance hypnotically--seductively--is supremely soothing and cleansing. Even the dogs seem to enjoy a respectable blaze. Lately I've felt the need for healing at many levels. I'd like to think laying a fire at 6AM is going a long way toward pointing me down the road to recovery.

One wonders whether global peace might simply be a matter of gathering world leaders around a fire, where they could discuss their wars and conflicts in an atmosphere of peace, enjoying hot cocoa and Mozart.

I'm eager for winter to end, but I look forward to cold nights well into Spring. It will give me an excuse to build more fires. Let the healing begin...

Another Tune For Sammie

I'm too tired to write, so instead I offer you some calming music. This is a piece I listen to when I need to refresh and be peaceful. These days, with an insane young puppy, I'm tempted to record a loop of this and play it 24/7, even while I sleep.

A Little Night Music For Sammie

Bouncing Back

TUESDAY. Lately, a lot of people seem to be leaving the planet way before their time. The truth is, it's hard losing important people in our lives no matter what their age. That urge to pick up the phone and call them persists long after they've moved to that cosmic zip code in the sky. Somehow, though, we usually find the strength to carry on. In time the pain and shock lessens and we find the courage to delete their numbers from speed dial. I often keep numbers on my cell phone long after their usefulness disappears, as if deleting a number is symbolic of deleting all my memories of the departed. It isn't. If anything, it's a gesture that says I'm coping. I'm moving on. I will survive.

I was introduced to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grieving many years ago, when "fun" meant curling up with a thick, juicy psychology book. (I'm happy to report that self-help and psych books no longer amuse me.) Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief are denial ("this can't be happening"), anger ("why me?"), bargaining (attempting to make deals to change the loss), depression (hopelessness) and, finally, acceptance. What I need is a self-help book that tells me how to skip stages 1-4. The tomes on grieving tell us we MUST go through the first four stages before reaching acceptance, and that takes a lot of time. Personally, I dispute this notion because, like everything else in our human existence, it's based on our belief. Because today is the first day of the rest of my life, I intend to zip through stages 1-4 by lunchtime, and hit stage five before sunset.

Watching the dogs live in the moment is a real education. There's no past, no future. Everything is in the NOW (especially it if involves food). Yesterday I realized it's time to have Telly spayed, after finding Murphy (neutered since 6 months of age) humping her in the back yard. I'm told this behavior is mostly about domination, not procreation, but it's hard to accept this explanation knowing how submissive Murphy generally is. To my knowledge, he's never mounted another dog (or human leg). I distracted them both with cookies and that was the end of it. Despite our male dog's inability to reproduce, other dogs in the neighborhood are quite fertile. Telly is able to jump our fence easily. This scenario does not bode well for a puppy who has reached sexual maturity. The last thing I want, or need, is a kitchen full of puppies.

Telly continues to be fiercely protective, barking and growling at perceived threats, like the meter reader, UPS, ringing telephones, the mailman, and neighborhood kids. She loves all people, and wags her tail while she barks and growls in a schizophrenic display of manic energy. Nearly seven months old now, her energy is off the charts. I keep slipping her "Mellow Mutt" treats I purchased at Bow-Wow Blues, our neighborhood pet food store. It's made with chicken, lavender and hops. It puts Murphy to sleep, but Telly continues to raid the waste baskets, shred tennis balls, and do her Stirling Moss thing around the house in spite of the soporific treats.

I'm thinking of crumbling up a Mellow Mutt treat to mix with my scrambled eggs this morning. I need a vacation.