Letting Go
Pop is in the final stages of preparing for his last great journey on the planet, a journey he must make on his own. We come here alone, and we leave alone. Signs of life have waned today. This evening he slipped into a coma. My family called me from the ICU and let me say goodbye to Pop as they held the phone to his ear. It was my hardest moment since Pop was diagnosed 8 weeks ago. All that remains is the letting go.
How do I let go of a person I've known for my entire life? He's always been there. It's surreal to imagine him not being around. My adult self says, "He's lived a good life, and soon he'll be out of pain." My inner child screams, "No Daddy, don't leave!"
Tonight time stands still. I wait for the phone call. In my mind I whisper as if he could hear me, "It's OK to go home, Pop. We'll be OK."
They say losing a parent is a rite of passage, that it opens new doors and causes us to reassess our lives and values. We confront our mortality and face our fears. I can't think about any of that now. I just need to get through this long night.
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2 comments:
It is not easy for us who are left behind. He or she will not be there to comfort us as they once were. I feel your pain and the ache in your heart not to mention the devastating thoughts. Much of the time we live in our minds. When my mom came home on Hospice after several years of near misses, emotional turmoil and tears I still prayed she would get out of the hospital bed in her living room. We never give up hope. I was home for Christmas and she begged me not to go home but I had to work. Two days later the call came from my son to hurry back. I can't tell you how many times I hurried back and all turned out well. But I knew this time would be different. I drove screaming thru the night to MA in hopes that all would be well when I knew better. She had slipped into a coma and her body was shutting down for that final journey over the rainbow. I was able to be there with her at the end as we know it here. I slept by her bed on camp cot, which my 89year old father had slept on for 2 months (I have no idea how). I sat by her bed all the next day until this journey ended. It seems she tried to spare my dad that moment because she waited until he had been gone to pick up my nephew for about 15 minutes. She was my mom and there will never be another. So know you are not alone and yes the emotions are raw, unending and troubling.
Love
Sammie
Dear 'Mom', Donna, David & Jim,
Leah called. I wept. I love this man deeply. He was my Dad, if but for a short time.
He showed me a garden, and I grew it.
He showed me unconditional love, and I knew it.
He held me close, whispered "I Love You" and I felt it.
I love you Dad, your gentle humor, the stories you told, the values you hold.
I love you Dad, and will look for you in my dreams.
You lift me up
And I'm touching the blue sky
You lift me up
I'm on top of the world
I'm getting closer to heaven
In every little thing I love
You lift me up
Headed for the stars
Riding on a moon beam
Taking me so far
Farther than I've ever been
And it's so crystal clear
I'm in love
All I'll ever want
All I'll ever need
Is right here
You lift me up
I Love You Dad,
Until We Meet Again,
Your 'Daughter'
Deb
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