It was a dark and stormy night...

Gathering storm clouds sometimes herald doom, but never did we expect a flood. No, not high water, like much of Albuquerque received last night. I'm talking about a flood of ants.

Early in the evening I tuned our Stormtracker radio/TV to our local NOAA weather station. Two feet of water were already reported at the intersection of Central and Broadway, about two miles south. The computer-generated automated voice spoke of extensive flooding in the South Valley and torrential rains in the Northeast Heights. There were no flood warnings issued for the North Valley, where we live. Still, I checked the back yard frequently just to make sure the rain wasn't ponding.

Sunday afternoon we noticed the small ants that had bothered us for the past several days were becoming more numerous. We wiped out a nest on Friday using a non-toxic ant killer (boric acid), but haven't been able to locate a source for diatomaceous earth so we could treat the perimeter of the house. Living with a seizure-prone canine has prompted us to rely on non-toxic, yet proven, pesticides. They have always worked quite well for us. Until now, that is. A little concerned over the growing numbers, M ventured out in the storm to buy some chemical ant traps.

We strategically placed the four Raid ant traps on counters in the kitchen, alongside the boric acid baits. The ants scurried around them, completely ignoring the portals of death. Were these ants not interested in feeding? Or were they simply trying to annoy us? We were puzzled. They seemed to deliberately avoid the baits.

And then it happened.

As heavy rain flooded much of Albuquerque, including a hospital E.R., thousands of ants--as if on cue--relentlessly marched into the kitchen through a crack at the base of the back door. Tiny ones, medium ones, large ones. At one point earlier in the evening I made the comment, "At least they don't bite." As hundreds of insects invaded, crawling up the walls, parading across the ceiling and dropping down on us, we realized these guys were ready for battle. And, they were biting.

Bear in mind we just moved in and lower cabinets where many household chemicals generally reside are empty. We left all our insect killers with our neighbors in Florida. We also left all our heavy-duty cleaning supplies. I once successfully killed an ant colony with Formula 409 and boiling water. The only possible ant killers in our new home were white vinegar in a spray bottle and new bottle of Citra-Solv. I doubted that either could do much more than annoy the ants. Moving to New Mexico strengthened our resolve to live in a non-toxic environment, but we didn't expect an invasion by 10,000 ants (not an exaggeration). After a few minutes the ants seemed to be everywhere. Grabbing wet towels we attempted to wipe them off the walls, but they were running into the house faster than we could keep up with them. Before we could get to the sink to rinse the towels, the survivors crawled from towels to hands, then up arms. By this time there were hundreds on the ceiling, dropping down on neck, ears and head. The more we battled, the more they bit. The more focused we became in eradicating them, the more aggressively they reacted as a colony. They seemed to have a very clear battle plan that was communicated to each and every soldier. (For all you STTNG fans, these ants were simply Borg-like. They functioned like a collective mind. Whatever we did to thwart them, they adapted and came on stronger. Resistance was futile. We feared being assimilated. Call me Locutus. I half-expected to find an ocular laser implant in my head this morning.) In addition to dropping from above, they were crawling up our ankles and biting us between our toes. Ants also emerged in great numbers from the ceiling fan, crawling out of the tiny vents around the motor and fan housing. Surprisingly, the vinegar and Citra-Solv seemed to stop some in their tracks, but it didn't discourage others from emerging. And then there was the search and rescue patrol that arrived to carry the dead away. (We are still wondering where they take them.)

Do you remember that Farmer Brown cartoon from the 50s featuring hundreds of mice overwhelming the farmhouse? If you close your eyes, can you still see the rodents running all over the house? Our kitchen was beginning to look like that cartoon with a twist: this version was straight out of a Hitchcock movie.

Desperate, M left me in the kitchen armed with vinegar, wet cloths, and our new Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner with a long hose and plenty of suction, and drove to the 24 hour Wal-Mart at Carlisle and Menaul to get some bug spray and caulking. I don't know which was more traumatic for M--having to buy poison to kill the ants or the prospect of buying it in politically incorrect Wal-Mart. Three hours later I was still vacuuming bugs off the ceiling and walls. M applied the poison outside around the door sill. At midnight I was on my hands and knees caulking the cracks near the back door. Even as I worked a thick bead of the sticky stuff into the cracks in the kitchen wall, some of the larger ants pushed through the caulking and found freedom in the kitchen. After I finished caulking, I poured boric acid on my fingers and rubbed it on the ceiling around the fan.

This morning I found only about a hundred ants in the kitchen, mostly on the ceiling over the sink. There was no evidence of ants at the back door. Today they seem to be clustered mostly around the duct in the kitchen. Maybe they are planning Phase II. The Dirt Devil did a great job sucking the morning creatures into a dual cyclonic chamber, where they lie waiting for burial in our trash bag later today.

These atypical rains are tipping the balance of nature in New Mexico. The desert is green. It's an astonishing sight. Weeds are knee high in the back yard and seem to grow inches overnight. We never dreamed we'd need our weedwacker in the desert, or a shovel to dig up the more deeply rooted, stubborn, nuisance vegetation. M commented that there was a small crowd of people in the pesticide aisle at Wal-Mart last night. I suspect we were not alone as the rains fell last night. This morning when I opened the windows the smell of pesticide drifted in from over the adobe wall behind our house.

Even so, it's a beautiful morning. Murphy is sleeping at my side in the family room, M is in the kitchen making coffee, and I'm looking forward to setting up a temporary office today so I can begin working on Wednesday morning after our phones are installed. Cable internet arrives next Saturday, but in the interim I'll use my dialup account. M will spray the entire perimeter of the house today. I hope it works. Despite our environmentally-friendly intentions, sometimes big guns are called for.

More heavy rain is expected today and tomorrow. We trust the Universe will spare us from high water.